Too Funny

Desperate Measures

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,
Little Johnny

Now, Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Yours Truly,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?

Signed,
Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.

He aimlessly wandered about, depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,

I've broken most of the Ten Commandments, shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm desperate. I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

Everybody Knows Bubba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day.  "You know, I know everyone there is to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff.  "Ok, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"  "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.  Sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba!  Great to see you!  You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"  Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.  After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.  "Yes," Bubba says.  "I know him.  Let's fly out to Washington."  And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise.  I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and share a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.  After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.  "Sure!" says Bubba.  "I've known the Pope a long time."  So off they fly to Rome.  Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work.  I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what.  I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."  Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.  Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"  His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

CG