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Too Funny!
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April 2005
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping."
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out
of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an
old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got
there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's
voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord
as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord
and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles
and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother
and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud
in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed
to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by
the door? They're hushers."
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I
asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The
virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me
the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I
listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up
to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
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One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up "during
the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain
some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally,
the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the
aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,
the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray
for me!"
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And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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One student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass
tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test
I have to take."
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I
am." CG
Chocolate Chip
Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's
agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip
cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from his bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly
made his way out of his bedroom, and with even greater effort forced
himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With
labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in Heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip
cookies. Was it Heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from
his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His
parched lips parted; the wonderous taste of the cookie was already
in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged,
withered and shaking hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those", she said, "they're for the funeral."
The Atheist in
the Woods
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. "What
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a
7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the
path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him.
He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his
eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even
closer.
His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run
even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over
to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his
paw to kill him.
At that instant, he cried out, "Oh my God!"
Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the
forest was silent; even the river stopped moving. A bright light
shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky, saying, "You
deny My existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist;
even credit My creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect
Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light
and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian
after all these years. But could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of
the forest continued, and the bear put his paw down. The man
breathed a sigh of relief. Then the bear brought both paws together,
bowed his head and said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I
am about to receive."
A man bought a
donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey
had been trained in a very unique way (being
the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say,
"Hallelujah!"
The only way to
make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen"
The man was pleased with his purchase and
immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's
instructions.
"Hallelujah!" Shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.
"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immedi-
ately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he
rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time
through the mountains. As he headed towards a
cliff, he tried to remember the word
to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey
just kept going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The
donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer
to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer...
"Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I
go off the end of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."
The
donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step
from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted
the man.
CG |
